The Good News of Salvation

I guess all us non-believers can stop waffling about whether to be wishy-washy agnostics or hard-core atheists.

According to The Pope Jesus redeemed everyone, even atheists.  So, I say, go for it!  What do you have to lose? Embrace your godlessness, because thanks to P-Franks, we now know that J-Christ is the Honey Badger of Redeemers: as long as you are good, Jesus Don't Give a $#!%.  Kind of like Santa Claus.

Actually, I don't say, "Go for it," I say, "How creepy!" The Pope can't really be trying to impress those of us who naturally DGAS, can he? Is this something like little Catholic kids baptizing their gerbils? Does he think there is a chance to become the patron saint of patronization? Is it some sneaky Mormonic way to improve his stats with the lord by beefing up the enrollment?

If, however, he is trying to give the Vatican right-wingers another reason to make their pinheads explode, I say, "Bravo! Bravissimo!" 

A Trouserville Thank You to Sister Trixie who alerted me to this excellent news.

"The Devil Made Me Do It,"

quipped Pope Francis after laying hands on a man in a wheelchair on Sunday in what some Vatican sources in an attempt to downplay the event are terming an unintentional exorcism, but which actual exorcists are claiming as a full-fledged casting out of devils.

"I could see Satan inside that young man, sticking his tongue out at me, and rolling his eyes, and wiggling his horns, so what else could I do against such evil?  I had to slap him upside the head," said Francis. "It felt good."

The young man/spawn of Satan reportedly heaved several times and collapsed.  The Vatican denies that this was a flashback, or post-traumatic panic attack, triggered by the sight of a man in a cassock approaching him with outstretched hands and then laying those hands upon him.

Satan watchers are thrilled that the new Pope has such excellent anti-satanic skills, and are hoping he can bring them to bear on such devilish tricks as global warming, hurricanes, tornadoes and the continued popularity of reality TV, especially Dancing with the Stars. Satan worshippers are, however, keeping a wary eye on Francis, whose activities they view as a threat to their religious practices.

The Vatican Office of Liturgy has announced that, in honor of Pope Francis, congregations may, if they choose, replace  reciting The Lord's Prayer with singing The Witch Doctor.

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang

Walla walla, bing bang

Cardinal Dolan, Caped Crusader for Christ

Maybe he just breathed in too much incense, or overdid it on the jelly beans, but Timothy Cardinal Dolan's Easter Sunday remarks about the Catholic Church and gays ( as reported in The New York TImes) were deliciously chuckleheaded.  

“I think what we can’t tamper with what God has revealed,” he added. But, he said, “we can try to do better in the way we present them with more credibility and in a more compelling way.”

And what is this more credible, more compelling way?  He's going to tell them he loves them, god loves them, the catholic church understands their needs for "friendship," so come on down.  But, well, um, erm, just don't expect to ever have sex again, because you know that sex is only for the married, and married is “one man, one woman, forever, to bring about new life."

Well, good luck with that, Timbo.  Smilin' Frankie may be a really nice guy,  humble pope, and all that, but I don't think the combined super Spidey powers  of St. John the Baptist, Don Draper and Big Data  can help you and the lads.  Hmm-mm-mm. Have you considered asking those clever folks at Big Food how to create the "crave" for the communion wafers?  Maybe you could toss the wafers, unconsecrated of course, off a float at this year's Pride parade.  They always welcome men in dresses, and yours are fabulous, but I think you'll have to do some serious work on your hair and makeup. 

Pax vobiscum, homines. 
(Or, as we say here on earth, "Peace out, dudes.")

Nota Bene:  To those of you who think I am being too mean to the pope and the cardinals, I would like to point out two things.  First, without trying very hard at all, I could be a lot more scathing.  Second,  these people are professional cheek-turners and wannabe martyrs, so in the remote eventuality that any contumely that I might dish out here comes to their attention, it will be as catnip to cats. How do I know? "Jesus said it*, so it must be true."  And he says I can take their coats and their cloaks, too, so there.

*Right over here in Matthew 5:38-40
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak, also.

Extra! Special Report: Papal Fashion

Trouserville Exclusive!  I just got a sneak peek at the  What I Wore fashion feature for next Thursday's  NYTimes Styles Section which will feature the oldster of the moment, Pope Francis I.  His Popiness shares a rundown on his schedule and fashion choices for his first week in power.

March 13
First day as Pope.  Busy.

Wore the pre-tailored off the rack whites.

Thank God no one could see my shoes.

Official Papal Tattoo

Faked everyone out by naming myself Francis--heh, heh, not the Birdman of Assisi, dudes, but Francis Xavier, Soldier of Christ, co-founder of the Jesuits, rabid globe-trotting missionary.  BTW, I find those references to Francis the Talking Mule to be offensive. FYI, I come from Argentina, not Bolivia, and in Argentina a mule has four legs.  

Considering tweeting under name @F-Papa instead of @pontifex to appeal to a new demographic.

March 14
Second day as Pope.

Visited Benedict.  Emeritus Shmeritus, but he offered me a deal on some inside information.  Told me to lose the eyeglasses, says they me look like just another two-Euro cleric.

Still wearing the god-awful, too tight, off the rack whites.  Sheesh, you think those uppity Italian tailors could have run up an XL while they were at it; not everyone has an Armani model body type.

Popemobile very comfortable compared to riding the bus to work back in Buenos Aires, though.

March 15
Third day as Pope.
Same white duds.

Issued edict declaring FrancisFrancis to be the official espresso machine of my reign--IF they can customize the paint job to gold and white.

Issued edict declaring that from now on papal robe would have divided skirt, aka, gaucho pants. 

Had lackey call Prada to put in order for red gaucho boots to replace the lame red house slippers and to ask for a matching riding crop.

March 16
Fourth day as Pope.

Received Keys to the Kingdom and Keys to the Sauna.

Told lackey to book sauna for inauguration party. 

Asked lackey to order ivory towels to replace the red ones I brought with me from home.

Found out it was a gay sauna.  Told lackey to book it anyhow, but to make it clear to the attendees that same-sex marriages would not be countenanced during the festivities.

March 17
Fifth day as Pope.

Formal wear for Sunday Mass.  Triple Crown is mucho heavy. Couldn't wait to get back and change into my ivory sweatpants, Holy Mary Mother of God tee shirt, and my kick ass Torquemada wrought iron neck chain and knuckle rings.

Grand Inquisitor Torquemada

Green beer chug-a-lug party with Sean O'Malley in honor of St. Paddy's Day.  Good times! Agreed to offer special prayers for the Patriots and the Red Sox, drew the line at the Revs. Doesn't he know I'm a San Lorenzo  fan? Ravens Rule, Revs Drool!  Did ask him if he could get me an introduction to Boston celebs Tom & Gi since she and I share a continent of origin even if we don't share the same body type.

Made note to  issue order of excommunication for Trouserville; she is a godless secular humanist and can expect the Inquisitors when she least expects it.




A big Trouserville Thank You to my sister Trish who supplies me with a steady stream of inspiration on ecclesiastical topics.  Bless you, my child.

So You Wanna Be A Saint

Vatican Leaks Plan to Produce Reality TV Shows

While the Red Beanie Boys are conclaving it in the Vatican, it's not all mea culpas and politicking.
Unnamed sources have hinted that the Cards are considering a plan to produce a number of reality TV shows.

"These shows will demonstrate that we are not, as the godless secular humanists claim, out of touch with reality," said a high-ranking Vatican snitch.  "They will show the true face of the Church, and bring our message to the people of all the earth and provide a wholesome alternative to that diabolic sinkhole of perdition, You Tube."

While no shows have as yet received a Papal Blessing, a few proposals have risen to the top of the indulgence list.

So You Wanna Be A Saint
A group of  the dead, the undead, and zombies compete for sainthood. The long slog from beatification through full canonization is tougher than it seems, although fast-tracking by powerful sponsors can help.  Find inspiration in  Mother Teresa whose miracles may not have been all they were cracked up to be.

Eternal City Stripers
Day after day after day after day in the lives of the Swiss Guard.  This documentary reveals what it  really takes to carry out their vital mission of standing around all day wearing striped pantaloons and metal hats.

Survivor:  Rome to California Edition
Two groups of cultists vie for world domination in this exciting match up of  wily Old World Roman Catholics and upstart New World Scientologists.  Losers won't get voted off the altar, they'll get sent straight to hell. Infallibility versus Science Fiction:  game on!

You read it here, on the internet, so it must be true.


A big Trouserville Thank You to my brilliant sister Maureen who blogs about the world, business, marketing, life, and human nuttiness (excluding politics and religion) over on Pink Slip and who tipped me to the HuffPo article that inspired this post.