Does This Thumb-Brace Make My Butt Look Fat?

Please.  Tell me the truth.  Does it?

Clothes-horsiness doesn't run in my family, with the exception of my late Uncle Charlie whose only legacy was a wardrobe full of natty suits and colorful shirts with French cuffs. Not to say that you can't dress us up and take us out once in a while, but since I left the business world my usual 24/7 look is yoga pants (see disclaimer below)* and a tee shirt, with the addition of a fleece jacket in winter. On social occasions requiring more formality, I try to make my late mother proud by aspiring to be “kippy” which in Lizzie's Lexicon meant “anyone over 60 who is wearing a bright orange and pink scarf with a dark wool coat.”

I have quite the collection of scarves, especially since I took up knitting again, but what I hadn't bargained on was having to make closet room for another set of accessories. The kind that come with trying to stay active while aging. These include but are not limited to: sunglasses with stretch holders to keep them on my face, Frankenstein boots with orthotics to keep my toe straight, and the ultimate in osteoarthritic chic: a drawer full of thumb braces, including this classy custom number.

Bespoke Brigham & Women's Orthopedic Design

My wardrobe of thumb braces have come from the most chic boutiques:  stretchy gray fingerless gloves (Amazon), off the shelf braces in nude and black (CVS), and a sporty neoprene number (North Shore Medical).  They all must think the thumb brace makes my butt look fat because they've spread the word of my decrepitude. 

I can't think of another reason why I received this fabulous catalog:  As We Change.

First of all, I love the charitable, if euphemistic, title: As We Change? Really, would you wish to receive a publication called As We Decay? A Gathering of Wrinkles? Fade 'n' Sag?

Secondly, this is clearly for women only. Even if the cover model is wearing a bathing suit, it is hardly the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition type, so no male in the household would tempted to take a peek.  This is good because it will spare me the trip to the ER to rule out concussion when he recoils horror at the stupefying array of embarrassing problem-solvers within, falls on the floor and bangs his head muttering "butt-boosting wrinkle smoother. "

Some of the items are less distressing than others. It's easy to get distracted by page after page of shampoos, creams, serums, tablets, and sprays to solve the problem of thinning and/or graying hair.  They must work, though, because the models all look like they are 39, there's not a gray hair in sight, and who wouldn't want to look like the Real Housewives of Never-Never Land?  Tempting as this outcome would be, some of these  products seem engineered to create as many problems as they solve.

Suppose I succumb to Viviscal: "Simply shake Viviscal hair filler fibers on your head and blend." Shake them on your head and blend?   With a whisk?  An egg beater?  One of the mini-vibrators on page 51? And what are these fibers made of? How will they stick to the pathetic remains of my hair?  What if I choose the wrong color?  Or add too much product? Will I end up looking like the Pointy Haired Boss in Dilbert?  What happens if I inhale them as they cascade around my head and shoulders?  Do I need a face mask to use them? 

No.  Can't waste my time worrying about that. Better to concentrate on products more appealing to us thumb brace users: active types who worrry about their flying flab. Great! There's a full range of work-out clothes, all of which feature some kind of slimming element, which is another way of saying they will constrict you so much that you won't be able to breathe very well if you actually try to work out in them.  

Oh, no, I just realized the thumb brace might make my butt and my arms look fat. Thank goodness, I can take advantage of the last chance offer to purchase Tres Sleek arm shapers which will slim my upper arms by 1/2" to 3."  Super! But where does the excess flesh go?  Will it ooze out onto my lower arms and make me look like Popeye?  Hard to guess because the woman modeling it resembles Olive Oyl. 

Better move on to the swimsuits. There are many swimsuits, a lot of them with skirts, along with oversized sunhats and some darling beach coverups that resemble strapless muumuus.  All right! I think I've found the key to butt-concealing, arm-hiding nirvana.  A  muumuu.  Problem is, AWC doesn't have any with sleeves.  Not a problem. I know where to get one with sleeves. Bonus! Add one of those oversized sunhat  and some bunion-friendly sandals and I will be ready to rock the boardwalk.  There is only one drawback (sorry, Lizzie):  even if I buy the fuchsia number with the dancing daisies, I am afraid I won't really look very kippy at all.

*No, not lululemon brand, which has recently issued a recall for "too sheer" yoga pants; a move that the L A TImes says has put their stock into "downward dog."