Accelerating Decrepitude

It's all too true what they say about time:  the older you get, the faster it passes.

Why, it seems like only a few weeks ago I was writing about the As We Change catalog, which contained items to combat thinning hair, prevent sun damage, and cover up as much flesh as possible while exercising.  I had the temerity to poke fun at its vision.

The universe scoffs, and in a matter of days, I have been cast out of the demographic of aging but active to that of borderline vegetable.

Or so it would seem from Gold Violin, Helpful Products for Independent Living.  Gold Violin? I am sure they wanted to write "Golden Harp," as in post-life sitting on a cloud and strumming, but were turned down by the marketing director.

While some of the products might be useful for anyone over the age of 30 (a rolling book cart in several kippy colors, a mini Crosley radio in several kippy colors, and a Cotton Dream blanket in several ghastly pastels), those products are few and far between.  There are three or four dubious items such as the Border Print Kaftan  on page 3 which would make eyeballs explode if you wore it, as suggested, at the shopping mall or for an evening with friends. Unless, of course, your friends were other Golden Violinists.  At least the Kaftan assumes some mobility, if not fashion sense.  

The bulk of the catalog is devoted to the "far between," a vast tundra of items which appear to be consumer versions of nursing home equipment.

Do I need to recite the litany? I will anyway, but the product descriptions need no comment. 

Ultralight Designer Travel Chair:  "Go anywhere travel chair is ideal for taking Mom shopping or helping your husband enjoy a cruise."

Gold VIolin Waterproof Shirt-Saver: "Take the worry and the stains out of mealtimes . . ."

Wipe Assist: "Even with limited mobility, you can maintain personal hygiene and keep your dignity intact."

Super Absorbent Wellness Briefs: "Based on designs used by NASA astronauts . . ."

People, we are talking strollers, bibs, diapers. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, or to stock up now. I am not immune to the fantasy that I will live to be old-old, that I will drop neatly and tidily in my tracks, and that I will maintain sufficient flexibility to wipe my own ass. But who knows what kicks in the head the universe has in store. So I'm not taking any chances.

Note to my younger family members:  I'm filing this catalog with the important papers so you'll know where to find it. I would hate for my Border Print Kaftan to become soiled with unseemly bodily excrescences, and I'm advising you now to do those upper body workouts so you will have the muscular wherewithal to push my sorry butt around Star Market in the Ultralight Designer Travel Chair.  I'm doing my part on the exercise front so we won't require the "Bariatric Travel Chair":  Supports 450 pounds.