It started when I was fourteen with a daily thermos of black coffee smuggled into the Notre Dame Academy lunchroom. In college, my roommate and I were the only ones in the entire dorm with our very own percolator. I am powerless in front of my need for caffeine. (Sob! Sniff! Whimper!)
Oh, give me a (coffee) break!
Just the other day I thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket made of cronuts. Now I find out that according to the new version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5)--the bible of the anything-for-a-billable-hour psycho-babbling professional--that I may be suffering from a psychiatric disorder.
Oh, wait, actual caffeine addiction didn't make it on to the official list, but, according to a Wall Street Journal article two other caffeine "disorders"--intoxication and withdrawal--got the nod.
This ain't the caffeine talking when I ask: is this the most moronic example yet of the attempts by the psycho establishment to pathologize, and thus monetize for themselves, the ups and downs of ordinary life. As a side effect of this nincompoopery, actual disorders become trivialized.
Is there anyone on the planet who ingests caffeeine who doesn't know that if you drink coffee every day and then stop drinking it you may well get a headache, or feel drowsy? That it's not a migraine, a brain tumor, encephalitis, Lyme disease, MS or anything else that should cause you to seek medical attention? That you are not headed for the dingbat roundup?
Guess not. Guess there are some folk too stupid to know that if you want that particular headache to go away all you need is a cup of joe, a cola, or a chocolate covered espresso bean.
It's nice to know that those poor schlubs can now go to an emergency room and be given a medical and psychiatric evaluation, perhaps including a blood test and an MRI, and then issued a prescription which will presumably be paid for by their insurance or our tax dollars. Maybe they can even get a free trip to caffeine rehab. Instead of spending a buck at the Dunk or a fiver at Starbucks they can be given a prescription for what? Hundred dollar caffeine pills? Fifty buck espressos?
Wake up and smell the coffee already. And if you think coffee lovers are a bunch of raving lunatics, you have never heard The Ink Spots singing Java Jive:
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the jiving and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
And if listening to those cool dudes doesn't help your headache, Dr. Trousers says "Take a chocolate-covered espresso bean, and don't call me in the morning--at least not until I've had my coffee."
No comments:
Post a Comment